Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My Plans 2020
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
*looks at you in batman voice*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol