Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.