Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
What is going on? 😅
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.