Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You Might Also Like
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
This classic never gets old . . .
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets