Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”