Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.