God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Body by sandwich.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Yup
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.