Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs