“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
honestly, i need both:
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Wait a minute
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*