Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
ok like just. call me at this point
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby