one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?