“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before