getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
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[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.