I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
my first dose meeting my second
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.