When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years