Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
<- sleeps well with others
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
uh oh
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.