Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
And bowling should be called pinball
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!