In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?