The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
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*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.