My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
new year update: losing everything but weight
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES