Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
me opening up to someone
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.