I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
For the orator and chef in all of us