Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Education is vital
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.