Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
This could be us but you eatin’
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.