Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children