What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.