My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*skinny dips into black hole
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
😎 🍻
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.