#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
my sentiments exactly
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.