Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?