If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways