“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You Might Also Like
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby