Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.