The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.