“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Duolingo getting serious.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.