I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Its a hippotatomus
My blood type is coffee.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”