Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
figuring out my emotional availability:
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours