“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
this has done me in for some reason
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.