Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.