A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
What an awful time to have common sense.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
somebody come look at this
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.