Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
You Might Also Like
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person