Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
You Might Also Like
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
mom gave me mine for free
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.