Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel