I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Is this a threat?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.