we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.