I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.