Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.