“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?