daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.