Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.