My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.